Summer's Day

Toward night she walked
with deep conviction of purpose.
Trustfully, and eyes shut blindly, she saw the sun.
Heart-open stride toward the night sun.
Straight into the black she walked.
Toward the end she ran,
seas of hope spilling from her eyes.
Just before the edge
she stopped.
But only to shake down long brown bound hair.
Then off into the night.

by Serin Ball, 1960, (17 years wise).

Where spirits and souls dance.

The morning of Dec 2, I woke next to my mom in living room, my massage table edged up next to her hospice bed so I could be as close to her as possible, and I'm drawn outside by the early light. The power and color and beauty in the sky brought me to tears, made me feel small and light...I remember understanding in that moment that there are forces so much bigger than us and that perhaps this is where spirits and souls dance...and asked out loud in a soft teary voice "mom are you here mom in this beauty? Are you inside in bed and also part out here in this brilliant sky? Is this you transitioning?" I felt a small sense of peace I remember. I was searching for peace amongst the deep ripping of my heart. Then I went back into my make-shift bed next to mom's, put her hand in mine, my head next to hers, feeling her forehead against mine, and silently cried with grief and a small sense of peace. The next day she left her human body.

The days have been too many without you.

I feel you in my heart and hear you in my mind and see you in my movement and know you in everything I do. And there is no way for me to begin to understand that you are not going to walk into your house, not going to call me, wont read my emails, wont write me, wont laugh at my (bad) jokes, wont hug me, wont see me as I go through each and every day from here on out. You are the most remarkable lady that somehow I was fortunate enough to be born to and raised by. I am looking for you everywhere. The days have been too many without you. You are so beautiful mom. Wherever you are. Miss isn't enough to describe what I feel. Its more than a longing. Its as if I need you to complete my breath. I am stronger, deep at my core, because of all the trust you had in me, all the love you gave me, all the care you showered on me, and today I feel my shell, my outerness, my body, weak and my my heart aches. I have all I need to create a new reality for myself, and you gave me all I need to continue to live a full feeling being joyous real life, and I will have you with me always, I know all this logically, but my heart is ruling today, and I ache for you every day, and still every day I search for you. Where are you mom. The days have been far too many to be without you.