Middle of night aloneness.

I hesitantly move through my days, tackling what seems most critical but am blindsided by a suffocating longing at every other step. I'm trying to reconnect with the beauty of the holidays but my efforts are overshadowed by heartbreak -- missing my mom. I'm slowly undoing house aids & systems created as I desperately tried to help mom keep her independence & joy in life but with every note, every label, every book, every medicine bottle, I suffer loss over & over while unanswered questions fill me with dark anger. I'm falling into an abyss of despair that I'm fearful has months or years of darkness I must travel thru before ever seeing the light. My small consolation tonight is that w nobody there, no mom there to tell me it's ok, no friends to talk w @ 3am, probably writing one of my last too long a posts for FB protocol, I wailed sobbed yelled & rocked back & forth enough that finally I'm worn out & can sleep. I welcome deep sleep let me rest from the grief.