Nothing is Real

I just have no idea who I am or what I will feel day to day, hour to hour. Even when I'm being "productive" or doing something I feel is important, planning a celebration of life for my mom, walking her/my dog, cleaning another area in her house to take away the energy or sickness and loss, no matter what I'm doing/being I feel like its all happening in a bubble. I'm inside looking out - not really connected to anyone or anything. Knowing that the world knows I am there but doesn't know how it really is like to be me, to be in this bubble, not know how to reach me even when trying. I took a hike today w/ an old true friend, and her amazing son, and lots of dogs. I liked the smell out the outside, enjoyed the cool crisp air breezing by while winter sun warmed my face and neck. I spotted a single poppy in the hillside. One bright golden orange fully open poppy on a hill with dried browning grass and rocks and dirt. I pointed it out to whoever was near, and realize my mom has been pointing beauty out to me for my entire life. I found myself laughing and playing freely but it felt like it wasn't really me. Like I wasn't really there. Tonight I just walked into my moms office to get something from mom's printer and as if a wave slammed down on me I fell to the ground sobbing. Maybe the dryness of the day or maybe just a manifestation of my grief my nose started to bleed. I was sucked deeper into sobbing and the painful aching crying sounds coming out of me didn't feel like my own. I wasn't me and yet I was so completely my grief which is me. A few hours later I now feel like I couldn't cry if I wanted to. The only thing that is solid, true, and real is my longing to have my mom sitting here with me, in her house, on her couch, with her dog and her life...and me, her daughter, just holding her hand and ready to do anything in the world she asked for. The only thing that I can really know right now.